Unspoken

We all have something we want to say to someone. Maybe it’s someone in your life now. Or, maybe it is something you wish you said to someone who is no longer in your life. It could even be Mr./Ms. Random Person that you saw in the local coffee shop today. What do you want to say that you were never able to?You can leave the person(s) identity anonymous, if you’d like.  Feel free to feature more than one person. Do it in letter form or any form you prefer. Show us that creativity!

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

I’m sitting here in the room I grew up in, the one I should feel at peace in, the room I spent so much time talking to you in, the room I purged of your memory, and I feel empty and alone. I desperately wish that I could tell you that it’s all your fault, but you caused me to believe that would be a false statement and guilt ensues when I try to think that. I told you that my friend wished you were out of my life or more accurately she wished I was strong enough to kick you out of my life. I told you I felt guilty for believing her and that I was letting you know because I wanted to be totally honest.

Maybe I didn’t tell you out of honesty. Maybe I told you because I was unhappy with how things were between us, maybe I was hurt by how you had acted that night, and telling you it was my friend’s idea was easier than telling you how I was feeling.

It feels so good to finally let that idea out of my heart where I had been keeping it a prisoner.

I wasn’t happy with how our “friendship” was going. You treated me differently, you brushed up against me, you blew off your girlfriend to spend time with me. You let me fall hopelessly in love with you and never told me you didn’t feel the same. You didn’t want to tell me that because you were a coward and my poor heart continued loving you because you never told me not to.

Maybe you liked feeling loved, it’s natural to want to feel that way and I don’t blame you for liking it. What I do blame you for is breaking our friendship because of it. That hurts much more than any failed romantic relationship could.

I had told you that I needed you. That I had terrible friends in the past, that I was hurt because of what had happened to me before. I had told you in the hopes that you’d take pity on me and spare me the agony of losing yet another friendship. Not only did you refuse to spare me from that but you made sure that when you left I felt as though it was my fault. My fault for telling you that my friend thought I’d be better off without you. You said you were angry because I believed her and stopped talking to me after that. Didn’t doing that just prove her point?

I didn’t get out of bed the day after. I stared at the ceiling and sobbed. I lied to my mother and told her I was sick. I couldn’t bear the pain I felt in every breath I took because I lost the guy I loved and my best friend in the same moment and I believed, in the bottom of my heart, that it was all my fault. I destroyed that friendship. I went out of my way to destroy the one thing I needed and I didn’t want to bother with living any more.

About a week ago I found the conversation we had a month after we stopped talking. I went out of my way to congratulate you for something and I don’t remember what. I was going out of my way to sound over you but I couldn’t hide the excitement of being able to speak with you again. I was trying to be witty and you were trying even harder to sound smarter than I was.

You:  i'll always be angry at you for various things that you probably already know about

You: and you're a better person than i (not hard) if you aren't the same way for things i've done to you

You: i'm not trying to be your best friend again, i've found that doesn't end well

You: i'm just doing my best to keep up my end of the conversation

Keeping up your end of the conversation.

I was doing my best to keep up my promises I made to you, to be you friend, to be someone you could depend on. I was doing my best to be forgiving. I was doing my best to not throw myself at you in a moment of weakness and ask for my best friend back.

We all try to do our best at something.

But you are just best at being a jackass.  

I was a better person than you (and you were right, it wasn’t hard to be) but you’re definitely the stronger one to give up a three year friendship and not even question it.

What I want you to know now is that I’m not over it. I haven’t met a guy I can trust since the moment you left and I haven’t been romantically involved with someone. I’m definitely not over how much hurt you caused me. And I hope you understand that correctly, you caused me pain. It is not self-inflicted pain like you wish I would believe. You’re the one who gave up on our friendship and I don’t take any of the blame for it.

Sometimes you write about me. I write about you all the time. You may think of me occasionally. I think about you consistently. You might one day forgive me for the things I’ve done to you. I’ve already forgiven you. You may one day, in a moment of weakness, speak to me again. I won’t do my best to keep up my end of the conversation.

That’s what happens when you’re not over something. You don’t let yourself go down that road ever again.

(Previously) Yours Truly,

Becca